Villians Need A Break Too, Ya Know?
by Hidden By Shadow
Summary: What happens when you put fourteen megalomaniac individuals in close proximity to each other?  Chaos happens.


Villains Need A Break Too, Ya Know?

Chapter 1: A Chaotic State Of Affairs

DISCLAIMER: The author does not own Dissidia: Final Fantasy, it is owned by Square-Enix

"Sephiroth, get outta the goddamn bathroom!"

"Drop dead, Garland."

"Make me!"

Ultimecia lifted her head off her pillow and gazed at her ceiling. Another day living in a strange world with a bunch of people who she'd much rather kill than work with. A boss who's idea of constructive criticism involved swordplay. Neighbours who were an absolute pain in the neck. Rising to her feet, Ultimecia stretched to loosen her limbs as she looked around her room. Her favourite red dress was lying over a chair, but her hair clips were missing.

"Kloud!" Ultimecia shouted. It was a fair bet around the Chaos Warriors that if something went missing, the Cloud of Darkness was behind it. Apart from wanting to throw her own things in the void, she often took other people's things as well.

"Whatever you're shouting about, I didn't do!" the Cloud of Darkness shouted from her room next door. Due to the fact that Ultimecia was the only female and the Cloud of Darkness had no defined gender but appeared as a woman, the pair of them had their own dormitories directly above the male dorms. Problem being, that the men were quite loud.

"Sephiroth, you used all the bloody shampoo again!" Garland bellowed. Around the Cosmos warriors and Chaos, Garland held his tongue. But when they weren't in earshot his vocabulary quickly descended into the sewers. Although in a way, Ultimecia could understand Garland's swearing occassionally. She was grateful that both her and Cloud shared a bathroom that the men didn't have access to, since it was a well-known fact that the ex-SOLDIER First Class Sephiroth had a habit of using an entire bottle of shampoo just to wash his hair once. Opening her door, Ultimecia walked down the corridor to Cloud's room.

"Kloud, open up!" Ultimecia shouted.

"I didn't do anything!" Cloud protested as Ultimecia opened the door. She would have asked if Cloud was decent, but since the genderless entity had a bad habit of using leaves, her snakes and her own hair in lieu of actual clothing, such a question would be redundant. Looking around, Ultimecia immediately spotted her hair clips on Cloud's table. The entity in question was still laying on her bed. Ultimecia grabbed the hair clips and held them up.

"I've told you about this before – quit taking my things without asking first!" Ultimecia shouted before walking out the room.

"Hey, I'm trying to sleep here!" A voice shouted from below her as Ultimecia entered her own room and sat down in front of her mirror, ready to pull her hair into her favourite style.

"Kuja, shut the fuck up." Garland spat out below her. Ultimecia laughed quietly. Kuja, a theatrical pain in the neck who was full of his own self importance, frustrated by anyone belittling him, which given that most of the Chaos warriors were actual warriors and not drama queens meant that very few people even gave him the time of day. Which meant he was always irritable.

"Hey, tinhead, why don't you shut up?" Kuja responded. Ultimecia finished doing her hair and adjusted her dress before walking out of her room and down to the canteen.

Walking down to the canteen, Ultimecia found Jecht lying on a table. Which meant that Jecht was sleeping off a hangover. Jecht was good at two things, fighting and drinking large amounts of alcohol. And he often did both at the same time. Grabbing some salad, Ultimecia grabbed a fork before sitting as far away from Jecht as she could. Eating her salad in silence, Ultimecia watched as the drunken warrior got up, lifted his head and then promptly vomited all over the floor. Ultimecia tried to slow her breathing down so she wouldn't have to smell the foul stench as much.

"Wow, I musta drunk half ma body weight!" Jecht said proudly before collapsing on the table again and snoring. Ultimecia just rolled her eyes before heading to the sparing room.

The sparring room was the most modern part of the building. One wall was taken up by a huge display which showed total wins and losses for each Chaos warrior as well as vital statistics. At the moment, the warrior with the most wins was Sephiroth, with Kuja being the warrior with the most defeats. Ultimecia often went to the room in the morning to get some peace and quiet and be away from the non-gendered entity with sticky fingers. Annoyingly, Ultimecia was not the only early riser.

"At least I don't treat my warriors like expendable pawns!" Someone shouted from the office next door.

"At least I don't leave my warriors on their own and make them think I'm dead!" Someone else shouted back. Ultimecia sighed, from the sound of it, Chaos was having what Jecht referred to as 'a domestic' in his office again.

"At least my warriors actually care about me!"

"At least my warriors aren't a bunch of pansies who need to rely on others!"

"At least my warriors are not a bunch of headcases!" Ultimecia walked out of the sparring room and banging on the door leading to the office.

"Knokk it off, you two. I am not refereeing another slanging matkh!" Ultimecia shouted.

"See, at least one of my warriors has common sense!"

"At least my warriors don't have perpetual bad hair days!" Ultimecia's eye lids lowered. She wasn't someone who would normally react to the pitiful names people called her, but insulting her hair wasn't a smart move. Ultimecia opened the door as Chaos dodged a book that had been on a collision course with his head. Apparently, Cosmos had taken to throwing things as a way to win arguments.

"At least my warriors have style!" Chaos shouted as Cosmos grabbed another book of the shelf behind her.  
"At least my warriors have taste!" Cosmos shouted, throwing the book. Ultimecia caught it in mid-air and took a peek at the title.

"Would you two please just sort out your issues in a healthier way!" Ultimecia shouted before turning to Cosmos, "And you are damn lukky it wasn't Kuja who walked in here."

"Why?" Chaos asked, before Ultimecia threw the book to him. "'I Want To Be Your Canary'. Why would Kuja care?"

"Bekause that's a play from his world." Ultimecia hissed.

"See, at least I actually know about my warriors!" Cosmos spat out.

"I do too."

"Okay, name 'em all."

"Erm, Garland. Golbez. Baby Blue Armour. Joker. Hair Do. Edea. Nice Tits. Boy With Tail. Drunkard. Judgey." Chaos said, counting them off on his fingers.

"Point proven. You only named ten. There's eleven."

"Ooh, there's that guy with weird hair."

"And at least I can actually remember my warriors names, not a vague description of them." Cosmos shouted.

"At least most of my male warriors aren't a bunch of wimpering pansies!" Chaos retorted.

"You know what, Kosmos you kan have your argument 'kause this idiot got my name wrong!" Ultimecia sighed.

"If you're so smart, you name all of your warriors." Chaos shouted.

"Easy. Warrior. Firion. Onion Kid. Hyper Blitzball Guy. Zidane. Emo. Cloud. Short Thing. Terra. Butz. Cecil." Cosmos stated, proudly.

"You do know you used deskriptions as well?" Ultimecia pointed out, "Good one of Squall though."

"Thank you." Cosmos stated.

"When you two have finished having a chin-wag how about getting out of my office?" Chaos shouted. Cosmos and Ultimecia glanced at each other before nodding.

Sephiroth wandered down to the kitchen, dripping water all over the floor. Looking around, he could see that Ultimecia had already been in there, because all the cupboards and drawers had been left wide open. Sephiroth went to grab the coffee pot before noticing it was empty.

"For Jenova's sake, Ultimecia, refill the pot when you empty it!" Sephiroth shouted, turning around just in time to see Chaos run across the corridor and slip on a wet tile. Only to be clobbered by books thrown at him by Cosmos and Ultimecia. Sephiroth was about to just walk away until he noticed that the books were all Hojo's thesis'. "I thought I said to get rid of these." Sephiroth growled at Chaos.

"You said to get rid of Hojo's thesis. You didn't say to get rid of multiple ones." Chaos said while Ultimecia and Cosmos continued to throw books at him. So, Sephiroth did the only thing he could think of as retaliation. He kicked Chaos between the legs and walked off. Which made the two women hysterical. Chaos on the other hand was screaming blue murder whist rolling around on the floor.

As Sephiroth walked into the media room, a phone started ringing. Which caused him to stop and his face to become the exact same colour his hair was. He thought he'd gotten rid of that annoying thing ages ago. And yet everytime he was defeated, it showed up again. His PHS. And he didn't even have to look at the screen to know who was calling. So he pulled it out of his pocket and threw it across the room, only for the ever-curious Cloud of Darkness to grab it and flip it open.

"Yo, Sephie!" A male voice shouted loud enough for Sephiroth to hear it across the room without speaker phone being on.

"Um, this is Sephiroth's phone. He's not here right now since he threw it from across the room." Cloud said.

"Wait – are you a chick?" Someone shouted. In Sephiroth's estimation it was probably the drunk Turk called Reno. The one every woman in the Shinra building had been warned about. 'No matter what he asks, do not do anything Reno of the Turks says.' the slogans on the posters had been.

"Well..."Cloud said, twirling her finger around one of her tentacles.

"COOL!" Reno shouted, "What're you wearing?" Evidentally, Reno hadn't learned from the last time when Sephiroth had to shout at him that calling sex lines on company phones was not an appropriate use of resources.

"Erm..." Cloud paused, looking down, "Fig leaves?" Sephiroth decided to step in before the naïve entity said anything else disturbing or embarrassing. Grabbing the phone from her, Sephiroth shouted into it.

"Reno, stop wasting company time and get back to work!" Sephiroth hung up and threw the phone into a nearby fire.

Walking through the old Throne Room, Sephiroth noticed Zidane, Bartz and the Warrior of Light all standing around staring at something.

"Don't you lot have a castle of your own to stand around in, you have to clutter up ours?" Sephiroth asked, walking over.

"We came to retrieve Cosmos." Warrior stated.

"She's currently beating Chaos over the head with a useless text book." Sephiroth stated as Zidane threw a book in the air before setting it on fire. "You're meant to read books, you know."

"It's Kuja's." Zidane stated by way of an explanation.

"Oh, I Want To Be Your Canary. It's better than Loveless." Sephiroth stated, before walking off. Right as Kuja walked in and started screaming about destruction of property.

_AN: For the moment, it's a one-shot. But, when I have time, I'll add to it. But I don't have a lot of time at the moment. (Exams + Assignments) / Time = 0._


End file.
